The Fresh Loaf

News & Information for Amateur Bakers and Artisan Bread Enthusiasts

Something to make you smile

hukari's picture

Something to make you smile

Physics 1021
Bread is Dangerous

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates  were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.


Yerffej's picture

Finally someone has come up with safety guidelines for this most dangerous and potentially fatal product.  Now if only we could safeguard against cinnamon rolls.


Dave W's picture
Dave W

after my attempt at the apple loaf, which didnt seem to work out as pictured in the forum, (for you English readers) My wife said it looked like " Something off im a celebrity get me out of here!!!! she said it looked like part of a bush tucker trial" !!!!!

I thought it tasted fine though !


Dave W

LLM777's picture

I didn't see a mention for bread becoming a dangerous weapon. Some of the breads I've done (wholewheat or yeast forgotten) could've certainly been used to knock someone out or break a toe if dropped. :)

copyu's picture

...that is beautiful!

Is it your original work? [If so, 50 extra 'Genius Points' are well-deserved!]

I'm going to copy this to my computer for future reference. Let me know if you'd prefer that I not share it with my friends.

Thank you very much.


PS: I'm going to send the link to TFL, whether you like it or not! Heheheh! copyu


Erzsebet Gilbert's picture
Erzsebet Gilbert


I loved your comic post!  #9 made me laugh especially hard!

Let's face it. We all know a bread addict.  They all say the same thing: I can quit anytime I want.  But you can't...

Hukari, you're brilliant!


hukari's picture

I have updated the original post with the addreess of the place I found it. Alas, I cannot claim it as my own, but glad you all enjoyed it. I definitely think the other suggestions should be added!!!

copyu's picture

I appreciate your posting the source. Great idea to post it here, where it will cause varied reactions, no doubt. Really good humor, though!

[You can keep the Genius Points—it was inspired of you to put it on TFL!]