The Fresh Loaf

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How to Make Apple Rage Cake

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Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified)

How to Make Apple Rage Cake

My first attempt at making these apple fritters was an unmitigated disaster. 

Thinking "I know dough", I decided to make the dough the night before. I mixed the dough, let it bulk ferment, added the apple filling (a silly concoction that called for a vanilla bean, sparkling cider, and apple cider vinegar. Oh, the hubris!), and retarded the dough overnight.

Easy enough.

Should work just fine, right?

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Nope!

5:30 am: Morning arrives. (Do people regularly wake up this early? Why on earth for?)

I remove the pseudo-risen dough (emphasis on pseudo-) from the refrigerator and turn it out onto a silicone mat. I form 9 fritters (or at least what I think fritters are supposed to look like before they're fried in hot oil).  

Inner voice asks, "Why are there 9 fritters on the silicone mat when the recipe says it makes 16 to 20? Surely yours are too big by 2x, yes?"

Self responds, "Zzzzzzzzz. Huh? I dunno. Zzzzzz. I...Want...Apple...Fritter...for...Breakfast! Hurry up or you'll miss your ride to Breckenridge."

I heat the oil to 375 F.

OK, here goes!

A fritter meets its baptism in hot oil.

1 minute later, it's a large, charcoal-looking thing. I know this much: This is not what a successful apple fritter looks like! 

I check the oil temperature again and - behold! - it's 410 F. 

That explains that.

Into the garbage disposal goes fritter numero uno. 

Let's try another at 375 F. No, I really mean 375 F this time!

Plonk goes the fritter into the hot oil.

2 minutes later, all is looking good, if somewhat huge. Look Ma! She's a' floatin' in the oil! 

3 minutes later, removed to the cooling rack.

5 minutes later, taste test time. 

I crack open a fritter.

Is it a success? 

Ha! Ha!

Nope!

It's completely raw inside. It's just sticky, lukewarm dough surrounded by a near-burnt outer layer of greasy _____. It's a thing of great yuck.

Inner voice, "Remember what I said about 16-20 to your 9 ginormous fritters? DO YOU HEAR ME NOW?"

Self responds, "@#$%^&!"

How to Make Apple Rage Cake

Stare angrily at remaining 7 gigantic, raw fritters. Get really mad. (Helps to know you're going to miss your ride to skiing if you don't do something fast with the remaining fritters.) All at once, with one, swift, rage-filled motion, squish all 7 raw fritters together with both hands to form one gigantic apple cake dough blob. Plonk it into the nearest bread pan. Put the bread pan in the oven and turn heat to 550 F. Bake for (oh, however many minutes you have for pre-ski ablutions before your ride arrives–I had ~30). Turn oven off right before rushing out the door. Let cake sit in the oven all day, basking in the residual heat of that ~30 minute 550 F preheat.

Makes 1 Apple Rage Cake.

Even Aunt Lillian would approve. :)

bill bush's picture
bill bush

Thomas, you didn't tell us how the cake turned out!  This is remarkably similar to my efforts at making gravy back in the fall of 1969 during student teaching.  I was the cook for our group apartment, and I did well, for someone who was really winging it.  Once I mastered the biscuit recipe on the back of the flour bag, I was thought to be a god.  One even agreed to wash all the dishes every time I made biscuits!  I finally got a roast into the weekly food budget, and it went well.  Then I decided to  make gravy, which I had of course not a clue about.  But how hard could it be after my roast triumph?  After using butter, salt, pepper, milk, finely minced onion, my secret exotic ingredient--garlic powder --and adding more and more flour, nothing was happening.  Finally the self-rising flour began to rise on its own somehow, and I had a one-inch think browned grease-pattie in the skillet.  I figured maybe it could become bread, so I baked it for an hour to absolutely no effect.  Three hours later, it was still unaltered by the oven, and 42 years later, my buds still rag me about it.  I have learned to make gravy, and I am sure you will master the elusive fruit fritter!  I'm planning to work on okra fritters this summer, which promise to be less challenging.  Merry Christmas!  

thomaschacon's picture
thomaschacon (not verified)

It turned out surprisingly well. Then again, how bad could donut dough and apple filling be after a several hours in a warm oven. I thought it would be a brick by the time I got home, but it wasn't. Moist and delicious. I ate 1/3 of it when I got home. (It's about to be breakfast too).

The only reason I persisted is because it took me forever to make the filling. Just finding "sparkling apple cider" took me an hour. Who knew it would be in the fruit juice aisle and in a champagne bottle? :) (No idea what they don't call it "apple juice with bubbles". Would be much easier to find.)

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Funny story about your gravy bread. Not edible, huh? Ha! (I thought your story was going to be about one of those uber-salty gravies that people make from a brined bird). Gravy bread. Ha ha. 

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If you want to make okra fritters right now, check an Asian grocery. They seem to have okra in season all year around. I don't ask where they source it. Best not to inquire about such things at the mysterious Asian market, where finding salted cabbage makes finding sparkling cider at Safeway seem like a walk in the park.

bill bush's picture
bill bush

Thomas, I had some okra from the Dynasty Asian grocery in Greensboro, NC about 10 days ago.  I get really good eggplants there, too, both long purple and the round green and white ones.  We eat them roasted with other vegetables in some Italian dressing.  Their green bunching onions/scallions are a good buy, as are the bags of bok choy and Chinese broccoli (90% leaf and stem, very flavorful) that make soups and stir-fry so good.  If you like rice, they offer great deals on 25# bags, which you can put into gallon Zip-locs to share or get out as needed.  As far as okra fritters, though, I'll wait till next year's crop in my own garden.  I gave away so much this year that I didn't get around to fritters.  I'll look forward to your next posting.  Merry Christmas!