The Fresh Loaf

A Community of Amateur Bakers and Artisan Bread Enthusiasts.

Sourdough therapy

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Sourdough therapy

Hello again. It's been quite some time since I was last here, and today - for the first time since losing my son - my oven glowed again. It was quite therapeutic, particularly as my boy so loved the breads I baked. First, I made an olive sourdough boule and I wish I could be more precise on the formula, but it was an ad-hoc-touch-and-feel sort of endeavour. I recall an approximate recipe, but I must admit, I went with my gut more than the scale. Luckily, it worked out fairly well. The crust is crisp, the crumb is moist yet airy, and it's very aromatic. AJ would have loved it. His dad who hates olives ... well, not so much.

 

I also baked Ken Forkish's Field Blend #2 from FWSY today. No slice photos yet, but it looks, smells and sounds promising. I think it will be delicious.

 Thanks for looking, and happy baking,

 V.

bread1965's picture
bread1965

V - very impressive for an adhoc loaf! And the field blend loaf looks pretty remarkable as well! Truly look remarkable.. bake happy!

vivienf's picture
vivienf

I think it was largely luck with the ad hoc olive bread (with perhaps just a smidgen of previous experience). Whatever the mix, it turned out quite well, so that's good. Happy baking,

V.

Danni3ll3's picture
Danni3ll3

I haven't made an olive loaf in quite a while. The last time I did, I included feta and it was amazing! Your loaf has a wonderful airy crumb on it. Mine was heavier if I recall right. 

I baked a FWSY recipe today too. The 50% wholewheat with bigga. 

By the way, your pictures are just lovely. You really have an eye for composition. 

And I just want to give you my condolences for the loss of your son. I cant imagine how hard that must be. I am glad that baking brings back cherished memories for you. 

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Feta! What a great idea - wish I had thought of that! I'll bet it was scrumptious! How about chèvre? That sounds promising, too, and I think I'll have to try that next time. As it was, I added plenty of herbes de provence and extra rosemary (I love rosemary). But you've inspired me. Next time, I'm adding chèvre and sun-dried tomatoes!

As for the photos, well, I try. Photography is another of my hobbies (speak: obsessions), although I generally photograph birds and wildlife, or landscapes. I'm certainly no pro at food photography, but I have the equipment to BS my way through.

Thank you for your kind condolences. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure, and it hurts in places and ways I didn't know I had. It is all-consuming grief. But special activities and routines help a bit - they make it a little more bearable, just for a while.

Danni3ll3's picture
Danni3ll3

but depending on how well it melts, it might all end up at the bottom of your loaf. I learned on here that the more your cheese is good at melting, the more it will migrate following gravity. The feta stayed put in my olive feta bread but my Gorgonzola pear sourdough ended up very wet at the bottom because the cheese flowed to the bottom during baking. 

If you try it out, be sure to post the results. 

vivienf's picture
vivienf

That's a good point. I wonder if it would work  if the chèvre were mixed right in with the dough - not so much chunks of cheese, but blended in throughout? Would it still sink to the bottom and make it soggy, do you think?

Danni3ll3's picture
Danni3ll3

My bread still tasted delicious so you really have nothing to lose by trying it. 

Yippee's picture
Yippee

to you and your family.  May you find peace and comfort through baking.  Keep it up! Thank you for sharing your beautiful breads with us.  Looking forward to seeing more loaves from you.  

Yippee

 

 

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Your condolences are sincerely appreciated.

V.

Ru007's picture
Ru007

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. I'm glad you've started baking again, and what a wonderful way to do it, with a loaf he would have loved. 

Your loaf looks lovely. That crumb is beautiful, it looks so soft. 

I'm a big fan of olives too. I've only ever tried one recipe with olives but i'll be trying more soon. 

Looking forward to seeing your next bakes :)

Ru

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is incredibly painful, yet very helpful to pursue activities that AJ would have appreciated. It brings him closer; I can almost feel him here with me. Thank you for your kindness.

Vivien

nmygarden's picture
nmygarden

Vivien, I'm sad to hear of your loss. While nothing will change that, it's good for you to revisit activities that brought you together with your son. Your olive loaf is gorgeous and definitely would have yielded compliments from your son, as it does from us, too.

A step at a time, and bring memories with you. Happy baking and come see us again, soon,

Cathy

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Thank you. Your kind words are deeply appreciated. Yes, one day at a time is all I seem to manage these days, but strangely, that works well with baking. And AJ is right here with me every step of the way.

KayDee1's picture
KayDee1

Beautiful loaves of bread. Thank you for sharing them with us. I'm really new here, and to sourdough, too. My heartfelt condolences for the loss of your beloved son. May he rest in peace. Take care, now. 

 

vivienf's picture
vivienf

I, too, am fairly new here, but I have found TFL to be an incredibly helpful, amazing group of people who are happy to share information and expertise.

dabrownman's picture
dabrownman

Always be a hole in your heart and life but that is the way it has always been and will always be with death..... and the lives that carries on.  I hope baking a loaf or two of bread every week will help you remember the best of your son and how he could put a smile on your face.  You will soon realize that he can still do that.....forever.  Keeping at it and carrying on is what comes next/

My heart goes out to you and yours.

 

vivienf's picture
vivienf

I know. It is that everlasting hole that terrifies me - that eternal emptiness. But I'm concentrating on filling that emptiness with joyful memories, with love and with pride for the fine young man that AJ was. And I remind myself to breathe each day, and to be like him: loving and kind and thoughtful.

Thank you so much for your kindness.

Vivien

pmccool's picture
pmccool

My imagination is inadequate for understanding your experience, so I will only say that you have my deepest sympathy as you grieve for your son.

Like you, I have found the process of making bread to be therapeutic in times of distress.  It somehow lets me me focus on the here and now of the mixing and kneading and shaping while other concerns recede into the background, even if only temporarily. 

Paul

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Bread baking does seem to be therapeutic. It is helpful to concentrate on formulae (or not), timing and technique, but even better to feel the soft resistance of the dough beneath my hands; to feel it come together from a shaggy, sticky mess into a smooth, cohesive loaf. I think it  is the creative process that helps - creating order from chaos and giving rise to something lovely.

Vivien

Floydm's picture
Floydm

Beautiful loaves. My sincere condolences.

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Thank you for your kindness, and thank you for creating this wonderful space for those of us who love good bread.

hreik's picture
hreik

worse than the loss of a beloved child.  I am so sorry and send you deep condolences and cyberhugs.

They say, "grief never dies it just goes to a quieter place"

Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.
~CS Lewis

Your loaves are gorgeous!

hester

 

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Yes, that is what they say, and I think I can now confirm that it is true. It is the lost future, the lost opportunities for my son, and (on a very selfish level) the feeling of being robbed and cheated. And it is, quite simply the wrong way around. We are not meant to survive our children, and yet, so many of us have to deal with that, all over the world, every day. I will keep baking his favourite breads, and celebrate the wonderful young man he was.

V.

leslieruf's picture
leslieruf

For me it has been a very emotional post to read, everything mirrors what I have felt.  And yes time does help a little, but as you said it is the overwhelming emptiness that I still find one of the hardest things to deal with. Celebrate those memories for they are so precious.

Leslie

hreik's picture
hreik

streaming your way as well.

hester

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Please forgive me for disappearing again for quite a while. "Everyday life" often seems insurmountable these days, and the Holiday period makes it even more difficult ... especially as AJ's 25th birthday would have been a little over a week before Christmas. That knocked me down, I must admit. And I'm so very sorry that you have had to deal with this pain as well - nobody should ever have to. I hope that your wound is beginning to heal a little, or at least is beginning to be a little less raw. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. It does help.

With my very sincerest best wishes,

Vivien

leslieruf's picture
leslieruf

and yes it is easier than it was, but I have found it difficult over the last couple of weeks.  I have thought of you quite a few times.  

But it is a new year....  for 2017 there are lots of breads to bake, and new baking recipes to try. 

Take care

Leslie

Lechem's picture
Lechem (not verified)

I cannot imagine what you have been going through but I'm glad to see you're baking again and dealing with your grief.

Bread baking is very therapeutic and calming (when it all goes well).

Your first bake after a long time looks terrific. Glad to have you back with us.

- Abe

vivienf's picture
vivienf

Baking is helpful - despite occasional frustrations. But hopefully as time passes, there will be fewer frustrations and more successes. Thank you for your kindness.

V.