Bread is Dangerous!

(copied from an email sent by a friend, thought I would share with you all!)

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Source Unknown

Hi,

Just a light anecdote to brighten your day and perhaps provide some "assistance".  :-)

I perform all my breadmaking by hand - partly because I don't have a mixer and partly because the meditative aspects of breadmaking are half the reason I bake bread. 

Tonight, as I mixed Hamelmann's Oatmeal Bread by hand (big hunk of dough, that!) ALONE in the kitchen (sigh!), my mind began to wander as I hit the rhythmic stage of kneading.

You see, usually I am accompanied in my (daytime) breadmaking by my 2 year old son, who is a precocious chef.  He usually insists on 'helping'.  When he is no longer satisfied with his own blob of dough, I have developed a novel method to keep his hands out of the way -- the Kneading Song.  I promise you that once you hear this it will be forever stuck in your head as you knead - so beware if you read further!

Now he automatically sings it when I'm kneading (and sometimes when we are in the shops - much to the confusion of my fellow shoppers):

(to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat)

Knead, knead, knead the dough

Make it nice and smoooooth

Fold it over, push it down

And now you're in the groooove

(Repeat until kneading is over; or as is usually the case, until you can get the #$!@ song out of your head!) 

Happy kneading!

MommaT 

Ok, one final rant about Switzerland:

The Swiss are the ultimate recyclers.  

During our visit, my 15 yo son accompanied my uncle to the recycling center.  He came back with wide eyes: "they have a bin for wine corks, for batteries, even one labeled 'Alt Brot' (old bread)!  Wonder what they do with that?"

My uncle's neighbor, overhearing, mentions that many farmers use the stale crusts for animal feed.

A month later, I come across Rose Levy's pumpernickel recipe, which specifically calls for bread crumbs made from the previous loaf!  I didn't have the heart to tell my son...

Paula