The Fresh Loaf

News & Information for Amateur Bakers and Artisan Bread Enthusiasts

Beware...

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Floydm's picture
Floydm

Beware...

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :P )

hellonwhls's picture
hellonwhls

Pretty funny stuff! Thanks for that.
hell

“A woman should be ashamed to have poor bread, far more so, than to speak bad grammar, or to have a dress out of the fashion.

wizarddrummer's picture
wizarddrummer

FUNNY you say?

THIS IS SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE SHOULD BE ALERTED!

YIKES!!!! This is worse than the sky falling!

 BREAD DANGEROUS TO HUMANS STOP ALL WORLD IN SERIOUS SITUATION STOP

 I am, immediately if not sooner, stopping ALL bread consumption as of this moment or even a few moments ago!

 I will not touch another crumb, nor will I pass another morsel of bread of ANY kind past my lips... ever again... that is until um, er, well l later when I eat dinner.

RichmondJim's picture
RichmondJim

In light of these serious issues, I suggest that all of you home bread bakers (especially the good ones) ship all of your baked goods to me for safe disposition!

southern grits girl's picture
southern grits girl

me either wizzie